What is my Karma?

In the past few years, I have been constantly searching my inner self. Wondering whats in my fate, what is my destiny, my karma, what have I been born to do and many many more such queries. They kept boggling me. You can see my quest for my destiny in my earlier blog Freshly at 35! (http://potpourridreams.blogspot.in/2009/12/freshly-at-35.html)
I was a little upset that I couldn't pursue the career that I had started with. There has been a phase when I started to envy all my friends, who have been able to continue with their jobs and have gained many years of work experience now.
Recently, I had a small stint with a job too at a start up. Though I loved the job, couldn't again continue because of my first priority, my kids.
Then I started painting more. And luckily have been able to sell some paintings. Now I paint quite often. But still quite unsatisfied with what life was to me...
Suddenly something has happened.. and my life has changed..
I have always been blessed by having innumerable good friends around. Be it in school, or my college, my working years in Hyderabad and Bangalore. The solid friendships I had in my years in Singapore. The wonderful friends I made as soon as I returned to India and the 100s of acquaintances and a few best friends I have made in my current apartment complex.
God may have bestowed me less in some aspects, like having a wonderful body and good health. But He has bestowed me more than enough in the aspect of friendship.. I cannot thank him enough..
I have started enjoying my time with friends. The one - one and half hrs I spend with my close friends every evening, forgetting all the worldly worries.. happily chatting and joking.. have been so relieving..
As if this was not enough, suddenly technology has connected me with many of my old friends through. My school friends, my college friends,and my previous apartment friends.
Connecting with them, relieving the good old days and sharing our present with them.. has brought so much of joy to me.. And also I have learnt to live in the moment.. I have learnt to enjoy today as it is.. without worrying about tomorrow.. I have learnt the joy of being...
May be not everyone has a long journey to destination.. may be some are just born to be there.. enjoy Gods creation, revel in friendships and relationships.. may be for some the destination is the journey itself..
may be this bubble of contentment will burst.. but at present, I am perfectly happy in the present.. :)

like the sweet coating of pills
make the medicine edible
sweet little moments
beckon me into living...

destination and journey
are no longer separate
one becomes the other
my karma is my being..

Passing on a message !

I would never have imagined myself writing a blog so soon again, after my recent one. But I couldn't resist passing on this message.

Every month we make a small donation to an organization called Club Rainbow. It provides support to families of children with major chronic and potentially life-threatening illnesses. Yesterday I received in post a calendar for the year 2010, the organization came up with. It contained art pieces done by some of the children it supports. It also came with a simple small message written by a girl called Lynn, who is suffering from a rare genetic disorder and whose art work was also featured in the calendar.

Here is the message.

'I like drawing. It further develops my fine motor skills and improves my Maths geometrical figure drawing and most importantly it allows me to go into my world of imagination. I enjoy the process of creating my art pieces as it often makes me happy and excited. I always look forward with eager anticipation to the final outcome of my imagination.

My featured artwork defines what life means to me. I believe Life is meaningful and colourful despite the ups and downs. It might be easy at times and difficult at other times. When life is difficult, we have to persevere and overcome it. To me, one of the most important things in life is to be happy.

Lastly thank you for featuring my artwork. I hope you are as happy as I am.'

The message is simple. But coming from the heart of someone very young and with a terminal illness, it has struck me completely in a different dimension. I am unable to take my heart away from this message.  Since yesterday, I have been thinking, how petty my cribbing is, in comparison to the sufferings of so many around the world. I am unable to control the tears that keep rolling away, every now and then, whenever I remember this message. It reminds me how selfish I was, while taking all those new year resolutions I made (in my previous blog). I never did once think more than anything other than me and my family. Now I sincerely make yet another resolution. I will try to spread love and cheer around and make each day count. I sincerely hope all the global leaders and religious leaders will also take this simple resolution and make the world a better place with peace, love and happiness for everyone.

As one rolls away

 and the other ushers in

I stand at the doorway

 looking forth and back once again

Thankful for the good times

 and the bad ones alike

I will treasure each experience

 each day is worth while

I knock at the door

 waiting each moment to unfold

I promise her

 to spread love and cheer

come in dear new year

 happy new year!

Happy new year friends…

Freshly, at 35!

As the year 2009 is about to end, starting a new decade yet again, I sit back and think about the past year and the past decade. In retrospect, the decade has been quite eventful to me and to the world around. The starting of the millenium, which was quite hyped up by everyone. The end of the recession which started in 1999, especially in the software sector. The fateful 9/11 attacks. The preceding war on Afghanistan. My wedding. Moving to Bangalore. Having a baby. Quitting job. Moving to Singapore. My daughter joins the nursery school. The closure of several American banks and the start of another recession. Having another baby.  Obama wins. Swine flu spreads around the world. And now my elder daughter is all set to start her primary school, as my younger one turns one year old.

In between all these, a decade has passed. So, now I, at 35, starting my journey into the middle age, am thinking about my life - what have I achieved, and what do I want from it?! I did well at school. I did well at college. I earned a place in the University. Did my Masters in Computer Applications. I secured a job in  campus selections. Worked for five years. Was good at the job. Have a happily married life. A wonderful and loving husband. Two extremely cute kids. Loving in-laws. And happy parents.

To any reader, my life would seem perfectly happy life of an average woman.  So what is missing? There is only one thing missing in this fairytale life of mine. My identity!!  The satisfaction I had after a long days work at office. The pride, with which I used to say, I would never remain just as a housewife. And the independence, with which I had bought a car of my own. What am I today? Someone's wife. Mother of two. Yes! I wanted to be all these. Am happy about it. But I want more. I want to be someone, who has own identity. Maybe I should return to my job as a software engineer. Or maybe become an artist, a designer, a teacher. Now at 35, I want to listen to my true calling. I want to know what is it that I would love to do for the rest of my life. And work forward in that direction. In this decade, when people, literally half my age, seem to be so sure of their true calling, I wonder if I am too late. Late or not, if I need fulfillment in my life, I do need to try and work towards what I really want to do. It would be much easier now, I guess. With no pressure of any kind as such. As I jot down, I realize, this IS the time to work towards it.

So afresh, on this new year, as a new decade will be dawning in, I resolve to understand my true calling, and work on it for the coming years. I have some other resolutions also to make. I want to blog more regularly. I want to be a better mother and a more understanding wife. I want to paint a landscape in oil and I want to learn to sketch more fluently. And last but not the least, I want to have a healthier lifestyle and also shed some weight.

With these resolutions in mind, I am ready and looking forward for 2010. Hope I will learn to appreciate life even more as I begin this yet another journey.

As the sky turns a shade darker,

the sun going down,

shines his last shimmer.

Tomorrow, is a new dawn

a promise he makes.

'For how long?' I shudder

perhaps loosing faith...

'For as long as hope

lives on earth'

his messenger shines!

Watching a water lily bloom

Have you ever seen a water lily blossom? I have seen. We have a small lily pond in the front porch of our house in Hyderabad. The lily plants were planted in the pond just during the summer after our wedding. And by the next rainy season the plants started to flower. My Mother-in-law and Sister-in-law told us very excitedly over the phone that there was the first flower. We were in Bangalore at that time, and used to visit Hyderabad quite often. So, in the next visit, the first thing we saw, as we entered through the gate, was the lily pond in the right. It had two buds. The buds were still small. In a day or two they would be big enough to bloom. That was the time during Ganesh festival and we had some holidays. So we eagerly waited to see the lily flowers in full bloom. On one cool evening at around 8pm, my nephew Pranav called me excitedly and said that a bud looked like it was about to bloom. What happened in the next half an hour, was one of the most wonderful memories etched in my mind for ever...

Like a child's face breaking into a smile..

Like the moon coming from behind a cloud..

Petals fell out one by one..

some with a snap, ever so slightly..

some not even that loud..

silently..

Watching the bud bloom, under the moonlight, was a beautiful experience. Eventually both the buds blossomed (snap taken by my husband attached above)..

I believe, watching our daughters grow up, under the affectionate care of our elders, will be equally delightful..

My First Blog

After months of thinking to put up a blog of my own, which I think should feature all my interests, and then thinking up a proper name for the blog and then trying to give the idea of the name 'Potpourri Dreams', a pictorial representation (which will eventually come out, I believe), I finally decided to put in my first blog through first.

My love for homes started when I came across two books in my grandfather's book collection.

It was more than 25 yrs ago. Now I don't even remember the names of those books, but still remember their contents vividly... they had different plans for different styles of houses - 2 bedroom, 3 bedroom, single storey, duplex, multi storey. I fell in love with those books...

I read them inside out those summer hols.

When my parents decided to build a house after my father's retirement, I searched my grandpa's book collection thoroughly, but couldn’t find those books. But my memory of the plans being vivid I tried to design a house from those memories. I wanted a duplex house, with round balconies for the bedrooms. But my plans were vetoed because of their budget constraints and the practical problems of duplex houses. In a country like India where one has to build secure houses to avoid theft etc., duplex houses were not considered safe enough. Finally we built a single storey 3 bedroom house.

I believe I inherited my love for crafts from my mom. She loves knitting. She used to knit sweaters for the whole family. For many years we used to wear only the sweaters knit by her to school and even for our winter outings... those were the days before global warming... and we used to stay in a hilly area.

So, winters were harsh for us. But I used to love winters and spring... starting with the fresh smell of jasmines in our garden. I even inherited my love for plants, flowers (which I believe to be nature's most beautiful creations) from my mom. We used to have a large garden area... larger than our small government quarter. There my mom planted a variety of roses, a number of jasmine plants which would give hundreds and hundreds of jasmine flowers early spring to late summers. We had a small area of vegetable garden also, where we had sometimes lady fingers, egg plants, garden peas... papaya, jamun, chrysanthemums, berries and the largest tree in our garden, the hibiscus tree... with hundreds of ruby red hibiscus flowering each day... how lovely it all was... how I wish our balcony in this HDB received more sunlight so that I cud have some flowering plants here.

From early childhood I was good at sketching. My father used to say that the eyes of people in my drawings would seem so real. I even remember being praised by my school teachers for my good drawing skills. I could finally attain some little professional skills after attending art classes in NAFA. Though I aspire to paint the wonderful sunsets I can view from my kitchen window each day... now with two kids... I find it difficult to make time to paint.

My love for homes continued... while on a morning walk I would walk in the areas which had beautiful homes, gardens... I would even try to peep into the houses to catch a glimpse of the interiors.

While growing up I had different ambitions. I first wanted to become a chartered accountant like my aunt... then I wanted to design textiles... then I wanted to become a business management graduate... but I finally ended up doing masters in computer applications and got a job in a software firm. I really regret those days when there wasn't enough orientation. I wish I had done engineering in architecture... it would have been something I really loved to do. Though I loved my job in the software firm... I always felt being a software engineer was not what I was destined for.

Now I am a full time mom of two... but I hope to be a designer sometime, or I would love to be a talk show host like Martha Stewart... of whom I am great fan.

When I got married, I really had no clue as to the tastes and likings of my husband. Ours was a marriage arranged by our elders... but really matches are made in heaven... I was surprised to learn that even my husband was equally fond of design. He had designed the architecture of our duplex house in India, he built before our marriage. Many people thought I was very lucky to have married a guy who already owns a big five bedroom house...

But I was unhappy as I had always wanted to design and build my own home... until my husband explained that the house was a like a blank canvas... I could design the interiors as I liked.

Almost every weekend we would visit some shops which housed some interior furnishings. We subscribed for a design magazine and would read it together... if we bought any item for our house, together we would first think where it would fit in the house. Those were wonderful early days of our marriage. Our love for design brought us closer to each other as we didn't know much about each other before our wedding.

My love for everything creative continues... Now we are in Singapore. People here are crazy about beautiful interiors. I love all creative shows... from Debbie Travis, to Martha’s crafts. I even started loving cooking (only vegetarian please)... it took a long time for me to start loving cooking. I don't like cooking for myself, but I like cooking for my family and occasionally guests. I like trying new recipes... and experimenting... I like baking. But I don't like using eggs on my own... so I can seldom bake good dishes and cakes J

In my coming blogs, I will try to write more about the things I love. I will give the recipes of my experimental cooking (only if it turns out well.. J). I will also try to list out shops and products I like and things I am looking out to buy for myself and my house.

So till then happy reading guys.

Bye…..